An assortment of completely logical thoughts

  • When the scale is being particularly cooperative: “Yes, everything is awesome! I am encouraged, I’m motivated, I can do this! I’m so proud of myself and I can see the finish line; my life is great!”
  • Literally the next day, when the scale stays the same: “Well, I guess this is it. All my hard work was for naught. I’m never going to lose any more weight, I will always be super fat, and there’s nothing I can do about it. My life sucks and no one could ever understand just how unfair this is.”
  • When my pants won’t stay up during my walk: “Yeah, I’ve lost 27 pounds, but I can’t get too excited since I still have 133 pounds to go. If I allow myself too much excitement about my progress so far, I’ll get complacent and I’ll never reach my goal of being a worthwhile (read: normal weight) human being.”
  • At 3am when I wake up and can’t get back to sleep: “What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t lose all this weight? Why did I let myself get so fat? Will losing the weight even make a difference? When will I notice the difference? When will other people notice? Why do I care if other people notice? Why the fuck can’t I get back to sleep?”
  • When a friend compliments me on my weight loss:
    • Out loud: “Thanks!”
    • In my head: “Why would she say that? She can’t possibly tell yet? And even if she can, it’s silly to get excited about it now. I know I keep fantasizing about getting compliments, but I didn’t mean this one, I meant real compliments, once I’ve lost enough weight to deserve them.”
  • When I get out of the shower and catch a glimpse of myself naked: “Sigh.  That’s gross. What’s the point? I’m never actually going to look good. There will always be fat pouches or loose skin. Why should I put all of this effort into eating healthy exercising when the best case scenario is a weird-looking body? Worst case, I don’t manage to lose enough weight to get into the “healthy” zone so all this effort would still be a waste.”

The fact that I’m still on track with all this going on in my head all the time is a miracle.

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